The Terror of Twilight
by Red Baron A.K.A. Crowley
Summary: Darkwing, Negaduck and Paddywhack are forced by various circumstances to read Twilight. How will they react? Anti-Twilight.
1. Chapter 1

The Terror of Twilight.

Darkwing decides to fix Twilight. Starts as a rip off of the episode Comic-book Capers with Twilight taking the place of the DW comic, but grows.

Darkwing had shut himself in his room again. He did this occasionally when he saw a book so excruciatingly terrible that he couldn't let it go. On this occasion, the offender was Twilight. Gosalyn, after being exposed to extreme levels of peer-pressuric radiation, had finally gone to the library and checked out a copy of it. After attempting to read it, she simply couldn't take the pain it brought her anymore, and decided to get a brief reign of chaos in by showing it to the extraordinarily magnificent crimefighter, her father, thus ensuring that he would have himself locked away for some time, giving her leave to govern her own affairs. She remembered his initial rant on it

"They're making the terrors of the night look like sparkly little fairies! Even Splatter Phoenix wouldn't enjoy this! It's so pathetic not even Quackerjack would find this funny! If this got out, the criminal fear of the night and the unknown would virtually vanish! No villain would ever cower before me again. Little impressionable children all of the world will be reading this. How can they pattern their lives after me, if they think I'm some sparkly moron who gets by on only his excessively described abs? I admit, my abs are beautiful, but a hero must have his intellect, his brawn AND his ingenuity!" Gosalyn, knowing that playing devil's advocate would just give her more time to create her unique brand of mischief, had interrupted him with "Gee dad, I wonder why you haven't used that intellect and ingenuity to fix the microwave? We've been eating tv dinners still frozen for the last week." Launchpad, having only heard the last sentence of Darkwing's rant due to having only just arrived from upstairs, and assuming the rant was purely egotistical (and/or that Gizmoduck had placed above him in the vigilante polling again) inserted "'e'z 'o' a 'oin' air E-UB-E-OO. I ung i il umb umb a ie." (She's got a point there DW. My tongue is still numb from last night)

Although Darkwing had no idea what Launchpad had said, it sent his supersensitive egotistical temper flying off the handle. After yelling a bit both about the microwave and the new affront to his profession, Darkwing headed up to his room and began work. He kept the original pile of garbage by the typewriter in case he needed to reference it for some reason, and began a total rewrite. The first thing that had to go was that stupid name for the protagonist…

"The city of Forks. Like every major metropolis, it has its problems with the criminal element."

Dressed in a dark purple trenchcoat, a black fedora, the crime fighter stalked his arch villainous archrival Negapire. Moving through the moonlight and distinctly not sparkling, the hero prepares to make his move. As he moves through the woods suddenly the trees begin to knock.

"I don't remember any trees knocking. Oh. The door." He sulked over to the door and momentarily opened it to identify his visitor, who took this as a cue to enter, slipping past the mallard in the process. It was Honker. "What is it Honker?" he asked in a somewhat more aggressive voice than normal, still stirred by his hatred of twilight. "Well..uh…Mr. Darkwing…I heard…that is to say Mr. Mallard…I mean…." Darkwing facepalmed. Why did honker always do this? "Honker, how many times do I have to say this? Spit. It. OUT!" he cried vigorously, and received the reply "I heard you were fixing twilight and I wanted to help."

Honker, in a desperate attempt to fit in, had, at one time, taken an hour and read the entire twilight saga. This was more than sufficient, as he read quickly and was merely skimming to see when it stopped being stupid after the first few chapters. This kindled a fiery dislike for the affront to the title of novel known as Twilight. Needless to say, this only got him beat up more, now by the crazier of the twihards as well as the standard bullies. "I want to help." Darkwing chuckled momentarily, began to lean on his desk and said "Well honker, I don't think you can be much help to a literary mastermi…GET AWAY FROM THERE!" He cried, noticing that Honker had gone to his typewriter and begun critiquing what he had written. "No, this is all wrong. All wrong. Your character is almost as 1 dimensional as the original Edward Cullen."

Darkwing, who never could take anything that even gently poked his ego, couldn't take this. Partially because he was writing the character, partially because the character was a hero, like himself. "Honker, I'm going to say this as politely as I can. GET OUT!" "Yessir Mr. Mallard, I mean…i..that is..or maybe…" "Honker, just go" Honker left. Darkwing sensed that it was time to transfer his base of operations to his secret lair on the Audubon Bay Bridge tower, which had, on previous occasions, proven to be the one place in the city where he wouldn't be disturbed. After lugging his typewriter over to his spinny chair transporter and getting hit on the head by it a few times while traveling through the tunnel, he continued to lug it up stairs until he reached the windowledge of the tower, where he felt it best to write.

As he stalked his prey the gloriously perfect vampire crimefighter flew across the ground like A Really Scary Fast Thing. (you really shouldn't have gotten that reference) His fangs showed themselves dominant, and he prepared to leap at his nemesis

Unfortunately, in choosing his writing spot, Darkwing hadn't taken all past events into consideration. Last time he'd written here, the entire masterpiece had been blown off by the wind (and Darkwing's coffee cup fantasy rampage) In this respect, history was doomed not exactly to repeat itself, but rather to suffer a momentary stutter. After writing some more of his fixed version, it did just that. Darkwing, refusing to sacrifice the sanctity of literature, went after it. He knocked his reference copy of the worst book ever written into Audubon Bay as he rose, and chased the pages off.

A shark bit the tail off a small fish at that moment. It didn't eat the tail, at least not in the traditional sense, but rather fed on the fish's new found suffering. As the reader has doubtless surmised, this was no ordinary shark. This shark was possessed by Paddywhack. Paddywhack was a deranged ancient demon clown creature that fed off of suffering and lived in a jack in the box which was swallowed by a fish after being chained up and thrown out of Darkwing Tower, which this shark had subsequently eaten. It saw something drop by. Excited at this event, it said "I wonder what new misery that will bring?" in a voice which strongly resembled an evil Bing Crosby. This something was Darkwing's reference copy of Twilight. Being careful not to damage it, the shark managed to swallow it without chewing, after which the jack in the box absorbed it and passed it to its master. No, thought the demonic clown. No, this isn't right at all! Vampires feed on mortals, and they suck their blood, oh yes what misery they bring. Werewolves transform at the full moon involuntarily, oh what agony it puts them in! They play with me. The "novel" seared the creature's stomach. The shark, filled with Paddywhack's power, couldn't take the affront to all horror, all literature even. Paddywhack could normally draw some charge from the misery of fictional characters, but these were so unrealistic, so 1 dimensional that it couldn't be done! On the positive side, as it burned the shark to cinders, it also broke the box's chains. Paddywhack was free. And the next miserable wretch he would feed off would be this Stephanie Meyer, who clearly desired to destroy him.

Darkwing patiently pursued his pages on the ratcatcher. Of course they were headed toward the lighthouse. It was only the home of Megavolt, the most dangerous criminal ever, who, considering his sanity –or lack thereof- may well have been playing let's pretend, perhaps without realizing it. Darkwing launched off a ramp like object nearby and soared through Megavolt's window taking the villain by surprise. Grabbing the stray pages from the air as fast as possible, despite the fact that Megavolt was happily distracted with a rather slender lightbulb, Darkwing was forced by his sense of the dramatic to cry "Not now villain! I have sparkly vampires to thwart!" in sheer defiance of the fact that this simply drew Megavolts attention to him. "Sparkly vampires? What's the world coming to! I'll help. Teenage girls have started calling me Sparkly. I HATE WHEN THEY CALL ME THAT!" Darkwing rolled his eyes. "Megavolt, I'm the literary mastermind, you're the evil villain I trounce in my spare time. There's not much you can do to…." Megavolt interrupted him with a burst of insanity, genius, and general madness. "I've perfected the Electrolizer, we can enter the world of their movies at will. Then we can finally be rid of that meddling rabbit AND HIS PESKY HUNTER! Oh wait, wrong cartoon show." Darkwing was encouraged at this. A chance to defeat an enemy corrupting the youth of the world, liberating millions…but more importantly ON NATIONAL TV! It was the opportunity of a lifetime.

Negaduck was in his usual chainsaw-shotgun-bazooka-tank-megaloid-skull-bunny-warriors-machinegun-attack-squid-flamethrower mood, although this time there was actually a reason for it. Liquidator had been doing one of his occasional PR jobs and had brought the book he was doing it for to Negaduck so he could get a second opinion on the ads. Not that he really cared whether the advertising had much relation to the product. After a few copies got a chainsaw through the binding, Liqy convinced Megavolt to email it to Negaduck, carefully preventing him from looking at the title. Negaduck wouldn't blow up his computer, he had too much fun team killing in every shooter ever made to wait for a new one. He still preferred blowing up buildings and people of course, but teamkilling was a decent substitute. When Negs' internet went out (courtesy of Liquidator short circuiting the router) Negs got bored blowing up stuff that didn't yell at him and came back and after much of the lair was submitted to his chainsaw, he ran out of stuff to destroy and was forced to read the damn "book" He hated it. With a vengeance. Who wouldn't? As the reader has doubtless surmised, this book was twilight.

When the rest of the five returned, they were subject to a slew of rants in opposition of the book. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! THEY'VE TAKEN ALL THE VIOLENCE AND EVIL OUT OF ONE OF THE MOST VIOLENT AND EVIL THINGS ON EARTH! IT'S LIKE TURNING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR INTO THE CUTE LITTLE LOST BUNNIES! VAMPIRES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE WORLD DOMINATION ORIENTED MANIACS CRUSHING ANYTHING IN THEIR WAY. SPARKY, GET THE TANK. I'M GOING AFTER THIS GODDAMN GOODY TWO SHOES EXCUSE FOR A HORROR NOVELIST." Unfortunately for the rest of the five, Megavolt was on vacation for the week. Which meant he wasn't going to get the tank. Which meant Negaduck was about to become even more furious, likely to the point of homicide.

Liquidator had already fled for his life, Quackerjack had resorted to trying to drown Negs out with Mr. Trivia Buff, and Bushroot already hated Twilight due to Meyer misusing the term vegetarian, a cause Bushroot argued adamantly against, and was prepared to aid in the fight against twilight. To their great fortune, Negaduck hadn't noticed. Instead, he continued "Quackerjack, you remember the demon clown thing that took over your doll awhile back?" Quarckerjack screamed louder and drew Mr. History Buff closer to his ears.

Again, Negaduck neither noticed nor cared. "I bet he'd hate this too. He'd be useful. Any idea what captain useless did with him after he defeated him?" Negaduck didn't wait for an answer, or rather wouldn't have if he hadn't been interrupted by a deep, smooth voice with an odd ring to it. "He threw it into the bay." It said, sounding much like an evil Bing Crosby "But it's back. It hates twilight too. Will you play with me?" The voice came from the very same spindly black and white demon clown it was talking about. Negaduck was utterly unphased. Negaduck was not easily phased. "Right, we should go kill this Stephanie Meyer. I'm not one to do the world a favor, but it needs this one." With that, the fearsome 4 +1 began to hatch a master scheme.


	2. Chapter 2: The Battle of Forks

Megavolt and Darkwing materialized in the Forks town square. As one would expect, the mysterious appearance of an anthropomorphic duck and a whatever-the-hell-Megavolt-is startled the locals, and before long all the semi normal but poorly described people had fled and our intrepid heroes were surrounded by sparkly "vampires." Several of them rashly charged in, and were met with a "Suck gas evil doer!" and the accompanying gas. Since one of the only areas where vampires and sparklepires agree is that vampires are unaffected by gas, this did little more than obstruct Darkwing's vision. Fortunately, he remembered his patented buzzsaw cufflinks and mowed down 2 approaching glitter-devils with them, to which Megavolt commented "You stole those from Van Helsing" which made Darkwing scoff and reply "Van Helsing stole them from me. Admittedly, I stole them from the Derek Blunt movies, but that's not important right now." Several more charged Megavolt, sparkling so brightly from his electric light that his goggles finally showed a purpose. The first was struck with a direct bolt, which had little effect, so Megavolt simply started an electrical fire in the paths of the remaining 3. They screamed and tried in vain to put themselves out. Darkwing's Quack-Foo dealt with the survivor.

Darkwing and Megavolt fought valiantly, but the numbers were beginning to wear them down. Just as they began to lose hope, a tidal wave rolled in with a massive battleship atop it. The less wary sparklers were swept away by Liquidator's entrance, and several more were mowed down by Negs' chainsaw as he leapt down from the bow, cackling maniacally. Quackerjack deployed Mr Trivia Buffs reprogrammed to recite the full text of Bram Stoker's Dracula. This worked surprisingly well, warding many of the creatures off. Paddywhack ripped limbs off left and right, but still failed to get any misery out of the creatures. Bushroot pulled garlic out of the ground every few seconds, his friends eager to overthrow the shiny menace. At the last, only Edward Cullen remained. Darkwing got his left arm while Negaduck slashed wildly and caught his left leg. Both of them slashed his head off at the same time.

Darkwing somehow managed to find the camera feeding the movie back and triumphantly said "And so, our masked mallard magnificently and masterfully maddens the magically morose mock nosferatu!" That was when the animagi showed up (I REFUSE to call them werewolves) Any of them charging Negs or Darkwing got a nasty little surprise saw to the gut while Megavolt, delighted that his powers worked at full strength again, shocked as many of them down as he could. At the head of the third wave was Jacob Black, slightly better than Edward but still 1 dimensional and a part of this evil franchise. He dodged Megs' blasts artfully, until Liquidator seeped under his feet and carried the current. With him down for the moment, Quackerjack unleashed his killer teeth. There was nothing left. While Darkwing took his victory lap, Negaduck took Paddywhack by surprised and trapped him back in his box, and pulled the Fearsome Five into a huddle. "I love the smell of blood in the...well, anytime, really. Look at the opportunity we've got dimwits. Darkwing Duck, distracted and all alone, and we have a battleship. I say we get him." All of them wholeheartedly agreed to this plan, and they were just about to pounce on him when the fangirls showed up. With Stephanie Meyer herself at their head, not noticing Darkwing, they rushed the fearsome five, taking them by surprise. Once they got their bearings back, they were able to put up a fight, and Negaduck managed to slice of the head of Stephanie Meyer and she clawed at him. When it was clear that they were fighting a losing battle, Megavolt managed to climb above the fray and jumped them all back to St. Canard. Darkwing was rescued from the five in the nick of time by Launchpad. All was well.


End file.
